Hi

By popular demand MsBoots (Linda) will be doing a "Phoenix Fun Newsletter" and would like your contributions. Please send in your Jokes, News, fun riddles, greetings and any other info, file and News you would like to share with our members and friends.

Please remember these few guide lines:

1. If you are forwarding a note please clean it up by taking all those thingies away from the beginnings of each line (>>>> or ::: ) before sending.

2. Please no vulgar, racist, flame or tasteless notes or jokes.

3. Do send Birth announcements, jokes, info, characters, points of interest, and even just Hello's etc..

4. Do tell your friends about us and ask them to email us and put the word subscribe in the subject or body of the email at : fun_phoenix@yahoo.com or better yet send it to them (just copy and paste it, so the >>'s won't show.

5. If you do not want to receive this newsletter please e-mail and put unsubscribe in the subject or body of the note at: fun_phoenix@yahoo.com

6. Have fun with this Newsletter and happy chatting

Anyone wanting to help out MsBoots please send her a note at that address. If you have any ideas etc... please send them in.

A big round of applause goes to MsBoots for taking on this task.

Now Take it away MsBoots and thanks for doing this for The Phoenix On-line Foundation's friends.

Hoping to see you soon,

;-)

Meta

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A word from MsBoots

Hi Everyone! Can't wait to get started. We are anxious to make this the kind of newsletter that everyone will enjoy receiving. With everyone's help, I know you will make this the most read newsletter around. If anyone wants to help or contribute articles, jokes, etc., please do not hesitate to write. I want to thank Meta and Cuddleybear for asking me to help in this endeavor. Let's not wait any longer to get started:

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News-News-News-News

Don't forget folks that there are over 800 characters to use in MSCHAT2.5 on the Character Nexus Website and check out the new Host pages too!!! All set up for your enjoyment :-) and auto-downloadable By Sqiz our Master Webmaster. Check it out at :

https://www.phoenix-online-nexus.com

Fantastic backgrounds will be available on the site by Sparky soon!! as well as great sounds for your enjoyment!

Pages for featured artists and contributors are in the workings now !!

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Well Ms. Boots you asked for it and now your going to get it. I have lots and lots of jokes, humor, etc., which I have been saving up. I will not swamp you with them all at once. But here are a few:

From: Cuddlybear

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Subject: Only in America jokes

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures"...

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From: Chelsea

Hi all, hope you enjoy this one...

Chinese Torture,

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a
small house. Knocking on the door, he is greeted by an ancient
Chinese man with a long gray beard. "I'm lost,"
said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly" replied the Chinese man, "but on one condition.
If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will
inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to
man." "okay," said the man, and entered
the house. Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs.
She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was
obviously attracted to the young man as she could not keep her
eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the old
man's warning, he ignored the daughter and went up to bed
alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her
room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep
everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear, and near dawn, he
crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he
saw a large rock on his chest. ON the rock was a note
that read: "Chinese torture number one.....large rock
on chest." Well, that's pretty crappy, he
thought. "if that is the worst the old man can do,
then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up,
walked over to the window, and threw the boulder out. As he did
so, he noticed another note on it that read:"Chinese
torture number two.....rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic, he glanced down and saw the rope
that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a
few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out
of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the
ground, he saw a large sign on the ground that read:"Chinese
torture number three.....right testicle tied to the bed
post.""

Opps!

: )

Have a great day..all !

Chelsea

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You'll love this one from Slippy

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things
people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son -- the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Slippy

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More Humour from Cuddlybear

Bug Light

In the backwoods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the
middle of the night, and the doctor was called in to assist in the
delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern
and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there,"said the
doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's
yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered
a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down
that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the
doctor. The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear
a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive. She lives for ten more years,and then dies. A ceremony is again
held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers
are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband
cries out, "watch out for that wall!"

Cuddlybear

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