Today's newsletter is dedicated to Cuddlybear. He has graciously given us so many jokes and stories. Here is a newsletter full of them. Hope you will enjoy them as much as I have!

Ms.Boots

* * * * * * * * * *

A little off color But will bring a smile to your face:

A young couple, married just a couple weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.

So the husband enquires, "What's wrong Honey?"

"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast but I can't cook or clean."

The husband smiles his biggest smile and says "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."

So off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now Sweetie ?"

"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."

Again the husband smiles and says "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"

So off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride sliding down the banister of the stairs nearly naked. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks "What the heck are you doing honey?"

The new bride replied smiling, "Warming up your supper!"

*********************************************************************

Two rednecks were eating their lunch. One was reading a newspaper. He looked up and said, "I don't understand all this stuff 'bout Ebonics. Hell, I don't even know where Ebonia is."

==============================================

TRANSLATING MANAGEMENT SPEAK

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's very interesting.
TRANSLATION: I disagree.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: "I don't disagree."
TRANSLATION: "I disagree."

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't totally disagree with you.
TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You have to show some flexibility.
TRANSLATION: You have to do it whether you want to or not.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have an opportunity.
TRANSLATION: You have a problem.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You obviously put a lot of work into this.
TRANSLATION: This is awful.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: In a perfect world.
TRANSLATION: Just get it working and get it out the door.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Help me to understand.
TRANSLATION: I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You just don't understand our business.
TRANSLATION: We don't understand our business.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You need to see the big picture.
TRANSLATION: My boss thinks it's a good idea.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: My mind is made up. I am adamant on the subject. There is no room for discussion. But if you do want to discuss it further, my door is always open.
TRANSLATION: Forget it.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I appreciate your contribution.
TRANSLATION: Not really.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We're going to follow a strict methodology here.
TRANSLATION: We're going to do it my way.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary?
TRANSLATION: I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Cost of ownership has become a significant issue in desktop computing.
TRANSLATION: We want all of the benefits and none of the costs.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to leverage our resources.
TRANSLATION: You're working weekends.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Individual contributor.
TRANSLATION: Employee who does real work.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Your project is on hold.
TRANSLATION: We've put a bullet in it.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Wrong answer.
TRANSLATION: You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You needed to be more proactive.
TRANSLATION: You should have protected me from myself.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'd like your buy-in on this.
TRANSLATION: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We want you to be the executive champion of this project.
TRANSLATION: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We need to syndicate this decision.
TRANSLATION: We need to spread the blame if it backfires.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to put on our marketing hats.
TRANSLATION: We have to put ethics aside.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work.
TRANSLATION: I don't know how to do it.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's a no-brainer.
TRANSLATION: It's a perfect decision for me to handle.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'm glad you asked me that.
TRANSLATION: Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal.
TRANSLATION: One person couldn't possibly come up with something this stupid.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: There are larger issues at stake.
TRANSLATION: I've made up my mind so don't bother me with the facts.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'll never lie to you.
TRANSLATION: The truth will change frequently.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Our business is going through a paradigm shift.
TRANSLATION: We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Value-added.
TRANSLATION: Expensive.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Human Resources.
TRANSLATION: A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees.
TRANSLATION: The upcoming reductions will benefit me.

* * * * * * * * * *

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said -- "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought -- "I don't frigging think so!"

* * * * * * * * * *

Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, Maybe Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Politically Correct Terms

* He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
* He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
* He does not have a fabulous rear end; he has achieved Buttocks Perfection.
* He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
* He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.
* He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.
* You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.
* He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.
* His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Under circulated.
* He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically Related American.
* You do not kiss him; you become Facial Conjoined.
* He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generational Differential Relationships.
* He does not get falling down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
* He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal Cranial Inversion.
* He is not short - he is Anatomically Compact.
* He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.
* He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.
* He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.
* He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.
* He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
* He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.
* He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated.
* He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.
* You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
* He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.
================================================================

Marooned

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life.

Until the boat sank.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place, " she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite
bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines--strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..." She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean-- ?", he swallows excitedly, "-- I can check my e-mail from here...?"

#Comic_Chat_Phoenix_Help