Here are some wonderful stories and jokes that will brighten your day. Since we are having snow here, I needed these! Ms.Boots

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What we're you thinking?!?

From Meta

A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house juggling a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it's answered by a middle-aged man, "Mornin' stranger, what can I doforya?"
"Well sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz. We're paid by private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?"
"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt, fire away young man", says the homeowner.
Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, "Okay... first, you do use Vaseline, correct?"
"Yes sir, for as long as I can remember.""Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" replies the survey-taker with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.
"Let's see... we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex."
The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans forward and in a low voice says "We pride ourselves in being very thorough sir. I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?"
"No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper, "we put it on our bedroom doorknob."
The survey-taker gets a strange look on his face and takes a step backwards before the homeowner continues,.

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......"It keeps the kids out.

"What were you thinking!....Get your mind out of the gutter!!

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These are wonderful, Cuddlybear. Thanks for making us laugh!

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Office sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder.!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am, " the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to the other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks with concern. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119"

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Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."

The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God.

Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

God says, "Ah, yes."

"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.

"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"


The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

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BIG JOHN!

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. (Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened, Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

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(The following were really written in church bulletins)

• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

• The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

• The Ladies Bible Study will be hell Thursday morning at 10.

• All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

• Evening massage - 6 p.m.

• The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

• The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

• Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

• The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

• The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

• The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy".

• During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

• Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will speak on "It's a Terrible Experience".

• Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

• 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

• Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

• Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

• The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

• 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

• The choir invites any members of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

• Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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"Quote"

Flirtation is merely an expression of considered desire coupled with an admission of its impracticability.

--Marya Mannes—

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Perfect Tips for Perfect Packing

Choose seasonless clothes in fabrics that don't wrinkle, such as knits and lightweight wool. Pack separates in neutral shades, such as beige, navy or gray; they are easy to mix, match and layer. Avoid anything that is bulky, needs frequent cleaning, or doesn't match anything else in your suitcase.

Dress your travel wardrobe up or down with an extra pair of shoes.

Limit yourself to one guidebook and one paperback. (hmmm, nothing was said about laptop computers and internet connection capabilities in order to stay in touch with your friends!)

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