Hope you are enjoying the newsletter as much as I am. If you run across a story or joke, do not hesitate to forward it on to us. Laughing is the best way to relieve tension!

Ms.Boots

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Bragging Rights - Cuddlybear's son has done well in the swimming championships. Here are the press releases:

AUSTIN, Texas -- The second-ranked University of Texas men’s swimming and diving squad rode a trio of titles to take a commanding lead after the first night of the Big 12 Conference Men’s Swimming and Diving Championships, held Thursday night at the Jamail Texas Swimming Center on the UT campus in Austin. Sophomores Scott Goldblatt (Scotch Plains, N.J. / Scotch Plains / Fanwood) and Nate Dusing (Villa Hills, KY. / Covington Catholic) successfully defended their Big 12 individual titles in the 500 freestyle and 200 IM, respectively.

NOTE: Complete results agate from the Big 12 Men’s Swimming and Diving Championships are available on the Web at www.TexasSports.com/teams/mswim/99champ/eventsched.html.

Texas leads with 292.50 points, followed by Texas A&M (191.50), Nebraska (182), Iowa State (132), Kansas (119) and Missouri (83).

The evening started with a Texas A&M win in the 200-yard freestyle relay. Texas finished second in a time of 1:18.84, which betters the automatic standard for the 1999 NCAA Men’s Swimming and Diving Championships, to be held March 25-27 in Indianapolis.

The Longhorns then swept the top three spots of the 500 freestyle with Goldblatt defending his 1998 Big 12 title in the event. His time of 4:20.17 bettered the NCAA automatic standard but was off his Big 12 record-setting time of 4:18.58 set in the morning prelims. He was joined on the winner’s stand by UT junior Jon Younghouse (Cape Girardeau, MO. / Central), who also made the NCAA automatic cut in 4:20.42, and sophomore Jamie Rauch (Houston, Texas / Cypress Creek), who was third (NCAA consideration 4:21.44). Sophomore Tsim Schneider (Davis, Calif. / Senior) was sixth in a season-best time of 4:28.95.

Texas continued its stronghold in the next event, the 200 individual medley, as Dusing led a 1-2-3-4 sweep in that event. Dusing broke Chris Archer’s 1997 meet record of 1:46.72 with a 1:46.41 clocking and led freshmen Joey Montague (Houston, Texas / Cypress Creek) and Tommy Hannan (Baltimore, MD. / Mount St. Joseph) under the NCAA automatic standard of 1:47.16. Senior Jeff Livingston (Dallas, Texas / Highland Park) was fourth in an NCAA consideration time of 1:48.95.

After Texas A&M wins in the 50 freestyle and one-meter diving events, Texas blazed to victory in the 400 medley relay with a Big 12 record and NCAA automatic time of 3:11.11. Hannan, Livingston, Dusing and junior Bryan Jones (College Station, Texas / A&M Consolidated) were the foursome on the relay.

"Our guys are swimming very well," said Texas head coach Eddie Reese. "They’ve been doing really well in the close races, and the job they did in the IM and the 500 free was great."

The meet continues through Saturday, with swimming prelims taking place at noon on Friday and Saturday and diving preliminaries at 2 p.m. Swimming and diving finals on both nights will start at 7 p.m. at the Jamail Texas Swimming Center.

AUSTIN, Texas -- The second-ranked University of Texas men’s swimming and diving squad won two individual events to extend its large lead after the second night of the Big 12 Conference Men’s Swimming and Diving Championships, held Friday night at the Jamail Texas Swimming Center on the UT campus in Austin. Freshman Joey Montague (Houston, Texas / Cypress Creek) and hometown champion junior Russell Chozick (Austin, Texas / Westlake) both won their first Big 12 titles on Friday night. Texas leads with 613.50 points, followed by Nebraska (457), Texas A&M (399.50), Iowa State (313), Kansas (300) and Missouri (227).

NOTE: Complete results agate from the Big 12 Men’s Swimming and Diving Championships are available on the Web at www.TexasSports.com/teams/mswim/99champ/eventsched.html.

The evening started, as it did Thursday, with a Texas A&M relay win, this time in the 200-yard medley relay. Texas finished second in a time of 1:27.28, which also betters the automatic standard for the 1999 NCAA Men’s Swimming and Diving Championships, to be held March 25-27 in Indianapolis.

Montague shattered the Big 12 meet record he set in the morning prelims with an NCAA automatic time of 3:46.97. That mark is the second-fastest in the country - a 2.5-second drop from the morning prelims - and is also the second-fastest in UT history. He won the event by more than four seconds over Nebraska’s Michael Windisch. Texas sophomore Tsim Schneider (Davis, Calif. / Senior) was third in an NCAA consideration 3:55.12.

Sophomore Nate Dusing (Villa Hills, KY. / Covington Catholic) and junior Bryan Jones (College Station, Texas / A&M Consolidated) finished 2-3 in the 100 butterfly, an event in which Dusing was the defending Big 12 Champion. Both posted NCAA automatic times and finished behind Nebraska’s Adam Pine, who broke Dusing’s Big 12 record with a time of 46.71.

Sophomores Jamie Rauch (Houston, Texas / Cypress Creek) and Scott Goldblatt (Scotch Plains, N.J. / Fanwood) also posted NCAA automatic times in finishing 2-3 in the 200 freestyle. Rauch’s time of 1:35.18 bettered his personal-best by three-quarters of a second, while Goldblatt’s 1:36.01 dropped more than a half-second off his best.

Chozick trailed KU’s Brandon Chesnut for most of the 200 breaststroke but pulled ahead with 15 yards to go to finish first in an NCAA automatic time of 54.25. Senior Jeff Livingston (Dallas, Texas / Highland Park) finished third in 54.75.

Freshman Tommy Hannan (Baltimore, MD. / Mount St. Joseph) won the 100 backstroke in an NCAA automatic and season-best time of 47.29. Sophomore Matt Ulrickson (Scottsdale, Ariz. / Saguaro) was third in an NCAA automatic 47.94.

After Nebraska’s Danny Bergman won the three-meter diving title, the Texas 800 freestyle relay of Jones, junior Jon Younghouse (Cape Girardeau, MO. / Central), Goldblatt and Rauch swam to the nation’s fastest time, an NCAA automatic 6:26.70.

"This is one of the best conference meets, team-to-team and performance-wise, that I’ve seen in a long time," said Texas head coach Eddie Reese. "The other coaches are stepping up in their recruiting, and the guys are swimming lights-out. There’s a lot of balance now, and there’s more on the way."

The meet concludes Saturday with swimming prelims taking place at noon and diving preliminaries at 2 p.m. The Longhorns will go for their 20th consecutive conference championship (17 Southwest, three Big 12) - the longest such streak in the country - at Saturday night’s finals, which will start at 7 p.m.

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This joke had me in stitches, thanks Jazz!

Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations,

#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a
collision.

#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

#1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE
US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

#2: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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I am not feeling real well after reading this one DanCer!

Hi all!

Well this is disgusting so I warn you DO NOT READ WHILE EATING. We don't have Taco Bills or whatever here and I refuse to eat Kentucky fried plastic anyway :-)

TRUE STORY...........
This woman went through the drive through of KFC for lunch a couple of years ago. She ordered a chicken sandwich (the breaded kind...before spicy chicken or grilled chicken became big sellers for KFC) and specifically requested NO MAYO because she couldn't stand the stuff. She drove away without confirming that she got what she ordered. As she drove, she began to eat the sandwich and realized that there was Mayo on it. She was none to pleased but was hungry so she ate it anyway. When she got about halfway through the sandwich, she began to feel very ill. She stopped eating the sandwich but felt increasingly worse as she continued to drive. She felt so bad that she drove herself to the hospital emergency room. She took her sandwich with her since she started feeling bad after eating the sandwich. The hospital performed tests on both her and the sandwich and found out the following...the sandwich actually didn't have any Mayo on it. In reality, the chicken had a tumor on its breast. When the chicken was breaded and fried, the tumor burst inside the breaded chicken breast. The Mayo-like substance was actually puss from the tumor.

Kind of makes you want to swear off fast food and Mayo, doesn't it?

TRUE STORY.......
You'll never eat fast food again!
This girl was really in a hurry one day so she just stopped off at a Taco Bill and got a Chicken soft taco and ate it on the way home.Well that night she noticed her jaw was kind of tight and swollen. The next day it was a little worse so she went to her doctor. he said she was just have an allergic reaction to something and gave her some cream to rub on her jaw to help.
After a couple of days the swelling had just gotten worse and she could hardly move her jaw. She went back to her doctor to see what was wrong. Her doctor had no idea so he started to run some test. They scrubbed out the inside of her mouth to get tissue samples and they also took some saliva samples. Well, they found out what was wrong. Apparently her chicken soft taco had a pregnant roach in the one she ate!!!! the eggs then some how got into her saliva glands and well she was incubating them. They had to remove a couple layers of her inner mouth to get all the eggs out.

If they hadn't figured out what was going on the eggs would have hatched inside the lining of her mouth!!!!!!!!!!
She's suing Taco Bill! Of course

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Now for something much more sweet from Cuddlybear!

Rules of Chocolate

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the
parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they
will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually
counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

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There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a giant tank across his estate filled with many alligators, piranhas, and other man-eating creatures.

The host said that if anyone had the guts to swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant the person 3 wishes. Well nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing."

Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming frantically across the tank, and, lo and behold, he survived and made it across - just missing the snap of a crocodile!

The host walked over to the man and said, "That's incredible, you made it, You're crazy but incredible!"

"As I promised, I will honor your 3 wishes."

The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? Give me it."

"Second, see those bullets over there? Give me them too,"

"And third, show me that jerk who pushed me in!"

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The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

--------------------------------------------
MODERN AMERICAN VERSION
--------------------------------------------

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAGB (The national association of green bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with green bias, and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenish.

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's not easy being green."

Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers. Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of greenbugs and, having nothing left to pay
his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal hearing
officers that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3 PM. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to
maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats
announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.

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These are so funny, Slippy, thanks for sending them!

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping".

To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy he says, "You're in charge of supplies".

He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, " I donna have-a no broom-a. You said the Chinese-a guy was-a in-a charge of supplies, but he-a disappeared-a and I couldn't-a find-a him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.

The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad. But I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy...

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells.... "SUPPLIES!!!!!"

# # #

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the local zoo. She's wearing a cute,
loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape.(no pun intended.) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny.
He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him", he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and
now he's doing flips.
Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

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A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor,
"Be a bit more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts.
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts,too.
Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why, yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."

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Four Letter Words
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so - how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as
we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things.

I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook..."!

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