Newsletter # 18


Another newsletter is here again. Hope you enjoy it as much as I have putting it together

Ms. Boots

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Thanks Kandee!


A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right," said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family. With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps "Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!"She replied,"That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your damn attitude changes!"

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From Jazz

Watch Your E-Mail Address If you are receiving notes by e-mail, it's wise toremember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:



An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost."It's free,"St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" St.Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine of the World laid out."How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part!! You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"


A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?" Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' It's not the label you wear, but the fruit you bear.

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From Jazz

Childrens Prayers:

  • A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Howard." At this dad interrupted and said, "Wait a Minute", "How come you called GOD "Howard"? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be Thy Name..."

  • And this particular four-year-old prayed: "...and forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

  • During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle and He just then did!"

  • One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest,and hope to pass tomorrow's test. If I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."

  • A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these Pancakes." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."

  • A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."

  • A Rabbi said to a precarious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed."

  • A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said; "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said. The little girl bowed her head and said , "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

  • Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

  • A little boy was overheard praying, "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

  • One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was"acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle . On his way and just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

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Thanks BearbunYan, Ms. Berry and little Cub for sharing this with us!

Have some time to kill? Heard about Easter Eggs (hidden tricks inside software programs), but never actually experienced one? Make sure your speakers are on and try this:

Right-click the desktop, select New Folder, type … and now, the moment you've all been waiting for then press Enter. Right-click this new folder, select Rename, type

we proudly present for your viewing pleasure and press Enter. Right-click this folder, select Rename, type The Microsoft Windows 95 Product Team!

Double-click this folder and presto! You'll see the names of the people on the Windows 95 Product Team flying by to music. Neat-o, eh? (Note: If it doesn't work, try again. You may have made a typo. Also, the last step is case-sensitive.)

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I Love these, Slippy! Thanks

Serious puzzle for all you lateral thinkers...


Greater than God

Worse than the Devil

Rich people want for it

Poor people have it

If you eat it you will die.

Answer coming up after the joke.....


A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady. After the Wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table,
unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin', and
card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll
be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."


Answer to puzzle. is....... "NOTHING"

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Thanks Meta!

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)

On some Swan frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!) (I love it: food to piss you off.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.) (Or underground)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

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Chelsea, these are great!


I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts, or fears,
But I can listen to you, and together we will search for answers.

I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain, nor the future with
it's untold stories,
But I can be there now when you need me to care.

I can't keep your feet from stumbling.
I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.

Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine;
Yet I can share in your laughter.

Your decisions in life are not mine to make, not to judge;
I can only support you, encourage you, and help you when you ask.

I can't prevent you from falling away from friendship, from your values, from
I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you.

I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you,
But I can give you the room to change, room to grow, room to be yourself.

I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting,
But I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces and put them back in
You are my friend...

(Author Unknown)

"Two are better than one...for if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up."
(Eccl. 4:9-10)

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The Power of the Cross
An incredible story...

In 1967 while taking a class in photography at the University of Cincinnati,
I became acquainted with a young man named Charles Murray who also was a
student at the school and training for the summer Olympics of 1968 as a high
diver. Charles was very patient with me as I would speak to him for hours
about Jesus Christ and how He had saved me. Charles was not raised in a home
that attended any kind of church, so all that I had to tell him was a
fascination to him. He even began to ask questions about forgiveness of sin.
Finally the day came that I put a question to him. I asked if he realized his
own need of a redeemer and if he was ready to trust Christ as his own Savior.
I saw his countenance fall and the guilt in his face. But his reply was a
strong 'no.'

In the days that followed he was quiet and often I felt that he was avoiding
me, until I got a phone call and it was Charles. He wanted to know where to
look in the New Testament for some verses that I had given him about
salvation. I gave him the reference to several passages and asked if I could
meet with him. He declined my offer and thanked me for the scripture. I could
tell that he was greatly troubled, but I did not know where he was or how to
help him. Because he was training for the Olympic games, Charles had special
privileges at the University pool facilities. Some time between 10:30 and
11:00 that evening he decided to go swim and practice a few dives.

It was a clear night in October and the moon was big and bright. The
University pool was housed under a ceiling of glass panes so the moon shone
bright across the top of the wall in the pool area. Charles climbed to the
highest platform to take his first dive. At that moment the Spirit of God
began to convict him of his sins. All the scripture he had read, all the
occasions of witnessing to him about Christ flooded his mind. He stood on the
platform backwards to make his dive, spread his arms to gather his balance,
looked up to the wall and saw his own shadow caused by the light of the moon.
It was the shape of a cross. He could bear the burden of his sin no longer.
His heart broke and he sat down on the platform and asked God to forgive him
and save him. He trusted Jesus Christ twenty some feet in the air.

Suddenly, the lights in the pool area came on. The attendant had come in to
check the pool. As Charles looked down from his platform he saw an empty pool
which had been drained for repairs. He had almost plummeted to his death, but
the cross had stopped him from disaster.

'But God forbid that I should glory, saved in
the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom
the world is crucified unto me, and I unto
the world.'
Galatians 6:14

-Shared by Johnny Hogue

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Yummy, Thanks Cuddlybear!



And can't change your mind once you scroll down....!!!!
So think carefully, what your choice will be!!!

BABY RUTH - Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy items. A little nutty. Sometimes you need a little treat like an ice cream cone at the end of the day.

3 MUSKETEERS - You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber.

BUTTER FINGERS - Smooth articulate, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time.

SNICKERS - Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around you. But you are a practical joker - others should be cautious in shaking hands!

HERSHEY'S - Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt and get gushy if held too close

ALMOND JOY with ALMONDS---Sexy, always ready to give and receive, very energetic, and really like to get into life. The opposite sex is always attracted to you.

CLARK BAR---You like sports, whether baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to
participate, but enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control.

GOOD'N'PLENTY---You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to go to the movies with you. Children find you amusing. You are a very warm hearted person.

ENERGY BAR---You are very active. You are so active, life is passing you by. Get a life!!!! Go eat a plum.

CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS---You go to the bathroom often

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Answer to the Crytoquote is:

The happier people seem to be those who have no particular reason for being happy except that they are! W. R. Inge

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The Phoenix On-Line Foundation
La Fondation Phoenix En-Ligne
Chat, fun and help with facilitators
available for adaptive technologies.

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