Newsletter # 22


Hope your Easter was a good one for reflection and relaxation.
Did you send in your answers to Wizzer's quiz. I did, but I don't think I did very good.
Who will beat me?

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Thanks Slippy for another part in web page building. I am having so much fun with this!
If ya'll haven't tried something like this, you ought to try it.


Hi Ya'll

Here's Part 4 of the "How To make a home page" series.

NOTE * Slippy's How To's are now posted on the phoenix site. Click Here to go to the Tutorials area.

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Thanks Cuddlybear. These are so funny!

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 53 years."

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A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?" Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' "

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Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"


Sign Language

A couple, Dave and Wendy, are outside doing yard work when Wendy decides to go inside and get ready for dinner. She heads into the house and Dave continues finishing up. Dave soon realizes he can't locate the rake they'd been using.
He yells up to the window, "Hey honey, where's the rake?"
Wendy, who is now inside preparing to take a shower, looks out the picture window and can hear Dan but can't make out what he's saying (their house is a Super Energy Saver with premium insulation properties) and yells back "What???".
Dan realizes she can't hear him, so he points to his eye (I), points to his knee [need] and then makes raking motions.
"What?" she yells again. So he goes through the whole routine again.
She nods like she gets it.... Then she points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her ass, and then rubs her crotch.
Dave is confused, but playfully aroused, and goes quickly in the house and finds Wendy. "What did you say?"
She says, "eye, left tit, behind, the bush."


Fish Hooks & Tampons

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area--you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. "I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new SUV."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman. "Actually, he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.""

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"Easter Bunny Jokes"

Q. What does it mean when the Easter Bunny arrives one day late with melted candy?
A. He probably had a bad hare day.

Q. How does a rabbit make gold soup?
A. He begins with 24 carrots (carets!)

Q. What do you get when you pour boiling hot water down a rabbit hole?
A. Hot cross bunnies!

Q. What does it mean when you see thirty rabbits in a row and they are all marching backwards?
A. What you have is a receding hareline.

Q. What can rabbits have that no other animal can have?
A. Baby rabbits.

Q. Which side of a rabbit has the most fur?
A. The outside.

Q. What is the difference between a new-age rabbit that is preparing for the future and one that is getting ready for dinner?
A. The first rabbit will visualize world peace.
The second rabbit will visualize whirled peas.

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A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass on the street near the edge of the course. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt. One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, just to pay your respects."
"Well, we were married for 25 years."

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